Oh my God. Darin sent me a link to this review of Return of the King on Aint-It-Cool-News, and within two paragraphs I had tears streaming down my cheeks. Warning: the language is NOT work safe (is that an issue, anyone know?). Usually I don’t find things written with gutter language funny, but this is friggin’ hilarious.

(Related: am I the last person in Christendom to notice the relationship in titles between Return of the King and Return of the Jedi?)

Here’s a test for whether you’ve had enough coffee or not today: A Cup Of Joy.

(Does. Not. Work. With. Safari!!!!!)

Are you looking for just the right gift for a hard-to-please Mom or a finicky Uncle? Do you visit the malls and think, Nope, nope, nope—I need something special, tailored just for my loved one.

What if Greg Evigan called Uncle Sam and Aunt Sue? How would that be? Would that be cool enough? Or if John De Lancie (“Q” from “Star Trek”) called your cousin Bob, huh? Would that make his damn year?

Well, no prob, folks: you and I and anyone else can set up such a phone call! Only $19.95 to have the Barbi Twins wish you—I mean, your friend Rick—a Merry Christmas! Such a deal!

(Now, if they could get Angela Lansbury, I would totally be all over this, because my Mom would plotz to hear Angela Lansbury’s voice.)

Update: Oh hell, I just noticed that this is in Newsweek this week. That’s not where I got it, honest! (I got it from the Well, where else?)