Nobody Knows Anything

Welcome to Diane Patterson's eclectic blog about what strikes her fancy

The Oscars: Best Picture 2012

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The Oscars. Like, who cares, right? Well, clearly we all do, because there are still billions of electrons devoted to talking about them every year. It’s funny how important the Oscars are sometimes and how completely forgotten they are the rest. Like, “OMG Emma Thompson has an Oscar for writing!” or “Jeremy Irons, Oscar-winner.” Of course, Hilary Swank has two Best Actress statues, for all the good they’ve done her. Most people have never heard of her.

Anyhow. This year’s nominations were announced this morning. (By the way, Oscars people: your site completely sucks in look and layout. Look into this, would you?)

Since I haven’t been posting about the movies we’ve seen this year (something I want to change, because after a while I can’t remember what I thought of a movie, and it’s fun to go back and look), I’m going to look at the movies nominated for Best Picture and say a few words about the ones we saw (listed in alphabetical order, since that’s how I got them off of the site).

The Artist

Between The Artist and Midnight In Paris, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m seeing the same cuts of film that everyone else is. People seem to be going batcrap insane over The Artist and I’m like…”Wha’?” Yes, lovely, it’s a silent film made today. It has gorgeous set design and the two main actors, Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo are extremely charming. But…but… The Artist the story of a major silent film actor (Dujardin) who loses everything when sound comes into movies and the Great Depression hits. A young woman who’s been a big fan of his for years becomes a big star but still cares deeply about this man when he becomes a washed-up, self-destructive alcoholic.

That’s right, folks: we have yet another movie where the woman exists to make the man feel better about himself. Bérénice Bejo’s character has no existence other than to make life better for Jean Dujardin. True, unlike most movies today, she did get more speaking lines and she didn’t have to have sex with him in order to prove he was heterosexual. But what we have here is not an improvement over that kind of crap.

Rated: Did. Not. Like.

The Descendants

We liked The Descendants a lot — hey, the cinematography convinced us to give Kauai a try, you know? The Descendants tells the story of a man (George Clooney) whose wife enters an irreversible coma after a boating accident, whereupon he has to get to know his kids again and he gets to know his wife more than he did when she was awake. Among other things, she was having an affair, and George decides he needs to track down her lover.

It’s much like Alexander Payne’s other work (Election, Sideways, About Schmidt) — it’s pretty low-key, and pretty realistic in terms of reactions. What do you do when you’re in the situation? Movies would have us believe that people operate at the peak of their emotions all the time. It’s so low-key, though, that it feels minor. What are we supposed to get out of all of this? I don’t know. A subplot involves Clooney’s extended family owning one of the last large parcels of land in Hawaii and planning to sell it for half a billion dollars. I don’t know about you, but when I start hearing numbers like that my understanding of the problems involved goes way down. Oh bummer, to whom do you sell you land for outrageous sums of money? Several of the questions Alyssa Rosenberg of Think Progress raises in this entry occurred to me too while I watched this movie.

And, honestly, I can’t believe George Clooney is up for Best Actor for this. He’s good — hey, he has us believing that George Clooney’s wife would cheat on him — but I’m kind of stunned at the accolades he’s gotten.

Rated: Good. Not stunning.

Hugo

Hugo is the story of a boy who lives in a Parisian train station and changes the lives of everyone around him. He’s completely alone…yet manages to create a family out of the strangers he meets and change many lives. It’s a very charming film, with fabulous cinematography (funny how you don’t think cinematography really matters, until you see a film that uses it to its utmost) and great performances (too many to list, but I liked just about everyone in this movie). It really does transport you (heh) to another time and place.

It’s also a good family film. We all enjoyed it, on different levels. And man, is that really difficult to do these days.

The downside of Hugo is, as Darin put it after we saw it, that a huge part of the emotional payoff comes from the characters’ love of movies. I can’t quite explain that without recapping the entire film, but trust me on this. And…well…we love movies. I love movies so much I moved Darin to LA so I could go to film school! There’s nothing I’d rather discuss all day long than movies!

And I’m not as invested in film as these characters are.

So I’m left a little cold by the ending, which should instead fill me with emotion and sentimentality and the rest.

(My friend Otto, who loves film as much as I do (more, probably), succinctly summarized the problem with the climax of Hugo with “that end had moments approaching ‘this is the part of the awards show where Scorsese’s acceptance speech talks about the importance of film preservation'” and he is dead on correct about that.)

However: the performances are great, the look is awesome (the rare movie that needs to be seen in 3D), and I did feel completely transported to another world and time.

Rated: Excellent

Midnight in Paris

Okay, this is the movie from last year that completely sets me off.

This is the one that makes me wonder if I’ve seen a bad print of the movie.

Because this movie annoyed the hell out of me and I rant about it at every opportunity.

Screenwriter Owen Wilson is in Paris with fiancée Rachel McAdams and her unbelievably annoying parents. He is wondering whether he should pursue financial success as a screenwriter (check out the hotel room they’re in) or follow his first passion, novel writing. Owen discovers a portal back to 1920s Paris, where he meets the amazingly hot Marion Cotillard and hangs out with the social circle of Ernest Hemingway and F Scott Fitzgerald and the whole Lost Generation crowd. And of course Owen Wilson fits right in with them.

Ken Levine is totally right with his Pet Peeves About The Dialogue — the dialogue in this movie is oh-my-god fake. The tensions and conflicts are horrifying fake and 1980s sitcom-level (not a compliment). The intellectual pretensions (mostly in the scenes with Michael Sheen, but all of it, really) made me grit my teeth — it’s not a remarkably intelligent conversation if I can spout all the same nonsense several lines ahead of you. And the direction? Holy crap. There is one scene where Cotillard and Wilson are walking along the street where it looks she’s spending all of her concentration searching for her mark, finds it, stops, turns, and says her line. It was the most amateurish thing I’ve seen in a movie in a while, and believe me, I’m not blaming the actress for that one.

And all of the women in this movie…that’s right, we have a winner! They exist to prove to the man that he’s worthwhile. Because that’s what we do, apparently.

I can’t even tell you about whether the acting was any good or not. I was so overwhelmed with the rest of the crap in this movie. The only thing I remember liking unreservedly was Adrian Brody as Salvador Dali. Hilarious. Also, about two minutes total on-screen.

Rated: UGH. <STAB> HATE.

Moneyball

We saw this whenever it came out (checking with IMDb…September? Really? That’s usually a dumping ground for movies, but…okay). I still remember it positively, perhaps amazed by the dialogue, which was delightful, and the fact that somehow the screenwriters (among them, the ultimately credited/nominated Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin, but others got in on the action too) managed to make a business book about baseball a pretty good movie about what little teams face when competing against the big guys. How thinking different can actually pay off…well, until the big guys start thinking that way too, and then you’re screwed.

I don’t know whether Brad Pitt can act or not, but he certainly is a movie star: he is completely comfortable on-screen with what he’s doing, and he’s always interesting. I don’t think that means Best Actor though.

Rated: Very good.

As for the other movies on the list:

  • Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close: I haven’t heard anything about this movie. I’ve never heard of a major motion picture that so completely doesn’t exist on anyone’s radar. Maybe it’s just been overwhelmed by other movies during December, I don’t know.
  • The Help: I’ve heard this book is the best thing since sliced bread and the performances in the movie are great. Nevertheless, it really looks like another “story about black people focusing on the white main character” tale and that’s just tiresome now.
  • The Tree of Life: All I’ve heard about this is “Terrence Malick,” which is enough to make me not go. I guess that makes me a Philistine. Well, okay.
  • War Horse: If we see this, it would be with the kids, I guess. I don’t know enough about it. I don’t know anyone who’s seen it, either.

 

So I guess out of everything I’ve seen I’d have to go with Hugo for Best Picture. Was that the best movie I saw last year? I don’t even know. I need to keep better track of what I’m seeing. But it’s far and away the best of this bunch.

 

 

Diane’s Writing Advice

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Here is everything I know on the subject of writing:

“Put black on white.”
— Guy de Maupassant.

Seriously. All of writing comes down to actually doing the writing. And doing it some more.

Oh, need more? Okay.

“The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof, shit detector. This is the writer’s radar and all great writers have had it.”
— Ernest Hemingway

Look at a professional’s story. Now look at yours. Now back to the professional’s. Do you know where you went wrong? Do you know why your stuff isn’t as good, as polished, as exciting, as whatever? Work on it. Just because you know the alphabet doesn’t mean you know jackshit about arranging it in the right order.

Sigh. Still not enough? Here goes.

  1. Nobody cares whether you write or not. Honestly. We get so many stories bombarding us each and every day (TV, movies, the Internet, blogs, Twitter, Facebook updates) no one’s going to notice whether or not you do yours. So if you want to be a writer for any other reason than you can’t imagine a better way of spending your time, just stop now. There are easier and more pleasurable ways to get money, sex, and fame than typing.

  2. Write everything. Fiction, plays, newspaper articles, diary entries, poetry, letters to the newspaper, fan fiction.

  3. Write what you know? Fuck that. Write what turns you on, write what excites you, write what you want to read. If you don’t want to sit down and write it, we don’t want to sit down and read it. What book do you want to go buy? Write it.

  4. Finish what you start. (This is my personal bête noire.) Everyone has fun with the initial burst of energy when you start a new project. Go through the long slog, because that’s when you really learn how to create.

  5. Your writing is never going to be good. Do it anyhow. Imperfect and real stuff >> perfect, nonexistent stuff. No reader in history has ever pointed to the brilliance of a book someone was going write “someday.”

  6. Stop waiting for someone to tell you your work is any good or you have promise or whatever. YOU have to know if you’re good. It’s really as simple as that.

  7. If no one goes out of their way to tell you you’re good, you’re only just kinda all right. “All right” is my gentle way of saying your work is mediocre. Try harder. Try bigger. Try bolder. Read your stuff with a critical eye — honestly, would you shell out hard-earned money for what you’ve written?

  8. When you get criticism, hear what they’re telling you, not what they saying. I’ll let you in a secret: When someone says there’s a problem with your work, they’re right. When they tell you what the problem is, they’re almost guaranteed to be wrong. Most writers wouldn’t know a story if it came up and bit them on the ankle, why on Earth would a non-writer know how to fix a story? Readers always know when something’s wrong though.

  9. Creativity is a muscle. You have to use it. You have to work it.

  10. I need a tenth thing? Stupid lists of ten.

And, oh yeah, the best writing advice (and possibly life advice) ever:

Nobody knows anything.
— William Goldman

Hair products

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Everyone who gets into the Curly Girl method develops their own routine, depending on the type of hair she has and the time of the year. Yes, what you do during summer is probably different than what you do during winter.

The Naturally Curly site refers to your hair type as 2 (wavy), 3a (lightly curly), 3b (much curliness), 3c (extreme curly), and 4 (kinky). But what your “number” is doesn’t tell you much about what your hair needs and what it will respond well to. Instead, what you need to know is what the three main elements of you hair are:

  1. Texture: The diameter of a strand of your hair — Fine, Medium, Coarse. Fine hair needs completely different treatment from coarse hair.
  2. Porosity: The ability of the hair to retain moisture. Curly hair tends to be drier than straight hair, so how much moisture it can hold — or be forced to hold — is important.
  3. Elasticity: The ability of the hair to stitch and return to its original length without breaking. Often an indication of whether you need more protein or less protein in your hair care regime. You can test this by taking a wet strand of hair and stretching it: it should stretch to at least 50% of its original length without breaking.

My hair is Fine, Normal porosity, and Normal elasticity. I went ahead and got a Curl Genie hair analysis from Curl Wizard anyhow, and it ended up confirming what I thought (and recommending lots of products I already used). Lots of posters on Naturally Curly have been surprised by the response they’ve gotten, so if you’re having trouble figuring out your hair, you may want to check this out.

When I started going crazy doing Curly Girl stuff I bought a LOT of hair products. (Honestly, it’s a good thing Darin doesn’t poke around in my cabinets. Or if he does, he’s kept quiet. Probably from the terror.) There are so many elements to doing one’s hair, and it’s so much fun trying different things together. I started keeping a diary of what I used on what day, the results on that day, and how it turned out the next day.

After a LOT of trial and error, I’ve found products that work really well for me. Almost all of the products have a lot of protein, because I have yet to find an upper-limit for how much protein my hair wants. Other curlies find that using protein products completely kills their hair and makes it dry and brittle. (In fact, I’ve had hairdressers tell me to avoid protein, and they’re just wrong, for my hair type.)

  • Shampoo: This is very infrequent for me — maybe once a fortnight or once a month. I like Giovanni Tea Tree and Giovanni Smooth As Silk, both from Whole Foods.
  • Conditioner: I use GPB and Nature’s Gate, both available from Whole Foods. I can’t even comb my hair in the shower if I don’t use a protein conditioner; otherwise, it’s too tangled and I pull half of my hair out.
  • Leave-in conditioner: This tends to flatten my hair. I’ve put a dime-sized amount into super-wet hair and my hair just hangs there after it dries. You’re supposed to use this especially during winter, but that may be better advice for a colder and drier climate.
  • Frizz control: I’ve only found one product for this — CHS Curl Keeper, which smells like burning tires but gives me NO frizz whatsoever.
  • Curl enhancers: I know, you have curly hair already, why do you need more of it? Curl enhancers define the curl and keep them tight and springy, whereas they might droop and lose their mojo later in the day. The two I use are AG: Recoil and Pink Boots curl creme (which is a house-brand for Boots chemists and I have to import it via Britstore! But the creme is awesome and Britstore has great service, so I do it). No-Poo Jillipoo tells you how much Pink Boots to use — I use more than this, but not by much.
  • Gel: This is a huge category. Light gels, medium gels, firm hold gels, extreme gels. Curlies use gels on top of gels. Some use one gel when the hair is wet and another when it’s halfway dry.
  • Protein treatments: an intensive protein treatment, even for curlies who don’t need that much protein, done once a week or every two weeks. You can make your own protein treatment with unflavored gelatin.
  • Deep treatments: an intensive moisturizing treatment, done once a week or every two weeks, usually right after the protein treatment.

I’m sure I’ve left a lot of categories off. But look at that! Imagine the shopping opportunities!

These days, in this very chilly and dry winter we’re having here in the Bay Area, my hair care regime is wash with conditioner, comb through, then take about a quarter-sized dollop of Pink Boots, rub it between my hands, and while bent over at the waist scrunch it up into very wet hair. I generally do a count of 6-8 scrunches to make sure the product has worked its way into my hair and is totally off my hands.

Then I follow with the single best product I use BAR NONE: Kinky Curly Curling Custard.

Kinky curly curling custard

The first time I bought this I didn’t get how to use it. It had a weird texture and smelled kinda like vanilla and kinda…just weird. I hadn’t gone through the process of trying various things and then writing down the results. Once I did that, it was very clear what KCCC did for me: it gave me big clumpy curls that held their shape, with very little frizz.

After I apply Pink Boots (or AG: Recoil; gotta mix it up a little every so often), I take a good-sized dollop of KCCC and scrunch in it, once again doing the 6-8 count of scrunches.

KCCC

A good-sized dollop

Then, depending on how it feels, I might do a second dollop, really giving the hair a good scrunching to get the product in and simultaneously squeeze the water out.

Then I use a towel to scrunch water out, and then I plop for maybe 30 minutes.

When my hair is about half-dry, I take another dollop of KCCC and scrunch it in/smooth it over the hair. This is called the Smasters method at Naturally Curly, and it doesn’t work for everyone, but it seems to add a nice layer of sheen to my hair. Then I pin everything up again and let it air dry.

Once the hair is dry, I get the fun of “scrunching out the crunch” — bending over at the waist (yes, again: you can do your hair AND practice flexibility!), and gently crushing the gel casts on my hair. The hair has absorbed the gel and will hold its shape, but I don’t have to keep the hard, crunchy gel layer. (That’s why you do all this stuff when the hair is wet.)

The downside of KCCC is that the hair can take forever to dry. I’m fairly patient, but if you’re not, here’s how to blow-dry your hair. You MUST have a diffuser, or you’re going to kill your hair.

The only way to blow-dry hair and not get the frizzies

  1. Load up a clump of wet hair in the diffuser.
  2. Hold the clump against your head so that it doesn’t move.
  3. Only then turn on the hairdryer.
  4. Leave the hairdryer against your head. Under no circumstances move the hairdryer while it’s on. If you move the hairdryer while it’s on against your hair, the hot air ruffles up the hair shaft and you have just bought frizzy hair for the day. Don’t do that. The hair must dry in place.
  5. When you can’t stand it any more, turn the hairdryer off.
  6. Then pull it away from your head.
  7. Repeat with a new clump of hair. You may have to redo clumps.
  8. When the hair is fully dry, scrunch out the crunch.

Sometimes it’s just easier to let it air dry.