An actual sign promoting this nonsense

From a newsletter sent home:

Next week is Red Ribbon Week. Our class will not give as much attention to the red ribbon activities as some of the older classes. It is, however, a good time to talk with your child about drugs, since it’s a school wide affair, in a way they can understand.

Okay kids, we’re supposed to talk about drugs. Hm. Do you guys know what drugs are? They’re mood- and perception-altering substances. That means…they change the way you feel and the way you think about things. People want to do that because…well, for a lot of reasons. Drugs make them feel better for a short while. Drugs make them forget about things. Drugs relax them.

When people refer to “drugs” they usually mean illegal drugs. Why are those the illegal ones? For a whole bunch of reasons, not the least of which are political maneuvering and thinly veiled social control. There’s very little difference between an illegal drug like cannabis — the Feds came up with the name “marijuana” to make the populace think it was something only those terrible Mexicans would use — and alcohol, which is legal. In fact, lots of people would argue that cannabis is a much more useful drug, because it can be used to treat various illnesses and reduce pain and suffering, but I like to point out that you have to smoke cannabis and smoking is very, very bad for you.

We’ll get to tobacco in a minute. Just hold your horses.

One of the main reasons not to do illegal drugs is that you don’t know what you’re getting. If your bottle of Jim Beam comes from the factory tainted with arsenic, Jim Beam’s going down. You get some spiked cocaine? So sorry, you’re out of luck.

But the main reason not to do drugs is this: If you want to do illegal drugs, before you try them hang out with the people who are doing the drugs at least three times. Why three? Because one time the group on drugs can seem like a whole bunch of fun. Two times you start seeing the same behaviors. Three times and you’re wondering how soon you can get out of there.

Every conversation they have is inane. Oh, it might seem hysterical to them, and maybe even to you when you’re not on drugs. The first time. When these guys start having the same conversation over and over again, you’re going to realize that being on drugs makes you kind of a moron. I’m using moron in the clinical, very-low-IQ sense here. Maybe they’re a fun, laughing moron, but a moron nonetheless. The second thing you’ll notice about people who do drugs is that every conversation, sooner or later, is about drugs. So not only are they a moron, but they’re a boring moron.

And Daddy and I don’t tolerate boring morons. Nosirree.

Well, yes, Daddy does have a friend who does some of his best creative work while stoned on pot. But I also dated a guy who thought he did his best writing while stoned and let me tell you, I think he was a little wrong on that one. And don’t drink and write: seriously, you write crap. In the immortal words of someone (Natalie Goldberg?), writers don’t drink to write, they drink because they’re not writing.

Right. Alcohol. Daddy doesn’t drink or at least not very often. I do like having a drink now and then, usually margaritas, because the combination of lime and sugar and salt with the tequila is quite tasty. And port. Port wine is good. I haven’t had a Cosmopolitan since the late Eighties, but as I recall I liked those too. For the most part, though, Daddy and I don’t drink.

But you should know that I have a history of alcoholism in my family, and of course my heritage is as Irish as all get out, so you need to beware. Apparently alcoholism is hereditary, and I don’t think having one-half of your genes coming from Daddy is going to be enough.

There are other things called “drugs” that are also known as “prescription medications.” Lots of people who take “medications” feel morally superior to people who take illegal drugs. Possibly this is because their medications were developed by Big Pharma instead of simply growing in the ground where any peasant can get their hands on it. Of course, Big Pharma also gave us Vioxx and Phen-Fen, which shows exactly how superior their knowledge is. Now, chemistry in action also gives us crystal meth. Anybody know what drug is a close cousin of crystal meth? That’s right: Ritalin. Anybody at your school on Ritalin? I wonder what their family’s going to say if that kid starts trying crystal meth.

Yes, Mommy does take mood-altering medications every day that make her not quite so crazy — no, really, guys, you wouldn’t like me if I stopped taking this stuff — but that’s not drugs. Well, it is drugs, but it’s not the kind of drugs your school wants me to tell you about, because they’re not illegal. And nobody takes my drugs to feel mellow or get a buzz on, trust me.

Okay, on to tobacco: it smells bad and makes you cough up phlegm. Plus it’s expensive and wouldn’t you rather spend that money on an excellent port wine? I would.

Now, your father and I are a little concerned with the Sovietesque mind control stupidity associated with this whole anti-drug fervor. What’s Sovietesque? Hmm. The Soviet Union was a totalitarian regime where people were afraid to speak out and the government told them how to think about everything. No, no, totally different from our own society today. But these placards they’re posting around your school…that’s kinda scary. I’m pretty sure I saw this one on display in East Germany.

So, that’s my talk about drugs. They’re really not very good for you, they mostly interfere with you getting anything done, and since they’re illegal you’d be open to arrest, whether that’s a good idea or not, and Daddy and I are totally against the War on Drugs, despite the fact that we don’t use any.

And trust me on “hang out with them three times before trying it” gambit. Seriously boring discussions.

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On second thought, maybe Darin ought to be the one to have this talk.