During the oh-so-crucial shopping season of September through December, during which glossy magazines swell like so many Octomoms with their endless advertisements, Vanity Fair led me to invent a new verb, “to vanityfair,” which means, “to rip out the gigantic quantity of ads from the magazines, sometimes reducing its thickness by over a third.”

Every so often I’d say, “God, this magazine sucks, I have to stop getting it,” but then they’d have another article that was totally wonderful and unexpected and I’d start liking it again.

But they’ve done it. They’ve finally managed to get me off my ass and cancel my subscription.

Last month, they had Jessica Simpson on the cover. Why? I don’t know. The story was all about how she’s not fat, she’s gorgeous. I don’t know that much about her, and I knew when I first heard the “Jessica Simpson is fat” stories that they were all an attempt to get some attention and sympathy. To have Vanity Fair waste my time with that story made me go, “Oh, please, do we really not have any celebrities any more?”

(In fact, we don’t, not really. The reason we have Brad and Angelina on the checkout stand every week—well, maybe you do; thankfully, my supermarket does not have checkout tabloids, yay Lunardi’s—is that they are recognizable to a vast audience and have great crossover appeal. The great expansion of the entertainment infosphere through hundreds of channels and the internet and iPods and such has led to inevitable schisms of domain—now there are tons and tons of celebrities, all of whom are known to a smaller and smaller audience. Movies are targeted to extremely narrow audiences: the likelihood that anyone over the age of 35 knows the name Shia LaBeouf, let alone what he looks like or how to spell his name, is pretty damn low, which is why he was in that stupid Indiana Jones movie last summer.)

But no, it wasn’t even Jessica Simpson that did me in. It was their 87 millionth article in a row on the great travails caused by Bernie Madoff.

They could not say any louder that they are New York-centric; they couldn’t be any clearer that the magazine is designed to be read by people that range from the Upper West Side to the Long Island Expressway. They have lots of New York things and nothing else. It’s tiresome and incestuous, it really is.

I know Bernie Madoff did a very bad thing. But it’s really not Topic #1 everywhere in the country. It’s really not the most interesting thing to happen ever, you know?

No, apparently Vanity Fair doesn’t know, because in this month’s issue (possibly my last), there’s another goddamn Bernie Madoff article.

The obvious criticism, of course, is that Bernie Madoff is exactly the kind of uber-successful, high-flying financier that Vanity Fair has extolled and sucked up to for years. Their endless investigations of the criminality of the Bush years does not make up for their continual praise of the Bush gang while things were good. (Really bugged me at the time too.)

Anyhow, in case VF is wondering why they lost another subscriber, that’s why!

Other books on the nightstand: Hex and the City by Simon Green, the latest installment of a supernatural noir PI series. I like this series, but when the locale, the Nightside, is billed as the supernatural side of London, I expect a few more details that evoke London in the story. The Nightside has nothing to do with London, except for funny spellings.

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Also, made bread yesterday from a recipe that called for 2 teaspoons of compressed fresh yeast. Note to self: always consult yeast equivalencies chart before adapting recipe to type of yeast you have. Instant yeast and active dry yeast you can use in roughly the same quantities; compressed fresh, not so much. In fact, according to The Bread Baker’s Apprentice by Peter Reinhart

100 percent fresh yeast = 40 to 50 percent active dry yeast = 33 percent instant yeast

So let’s just say the bread I made was yeasty. Finally got that “BREAD!” smell I’d always wanted, though.

I’m making new bread today.

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And for the last, I leave you, via Darby, John Cleese’s Revocation of Independence:

“NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE”

by John Cleese (English comedian and actor; one of the original members of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.” You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.”

There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows.

When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football.” There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your >borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. Youwill no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” The substances formerly known as” American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

The past week has completely messed up everyone’s sleeping schedules, most especially (of course) Fia’s and Simon’s. Fia finally agreed to go to bed (after an hour or so of Mommy and Daddy just ignoring her other than to say, “It’s quiet time now, sweetie”) and in doing so woke Simon up. So I had to take him into the guest room and nurse him back to sleep, which I was hoping to get out of that routine. Then Fia wanted me to read two bedtime books to her…followed by Daddy reading her a third. We said no, she gets two…and the screaming started. It’s 9:30 and I’m not convinced that both of them are down for the night yet.

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We went over to Tamar’s today for a journaller brunch — Mopie was there, as were Kymm and Steve. It was fun, as going over to Tamar’s always is — if nothing else, watching Sophia and Damian tear around after one another is always great. (They manage to set one another off, they really do. It’s hilarious.)

Anyhow, this being a group of journallers and all, we started gossiping — and if you’re wondering, yes, we were talking about you. The topic of infidelity came up. More specifically, who was practicing it. I probably sounded like a reactionary conservative with my attitude toward the subject, which surprised me even as I was saying it.

It’s been interesting to note the difference in my attitude toward two of the people we talked about. One I already didn’t like for a variety of reasons (some of which we also discussed at the brunch) and one I absolutely adore. With the first revelations of infidelity made me say, “Oh brother, why am I so not surprised?” (Even though, somewhere, deep down, I was surprised to find out that I had been right about suspecting hanky-panky.)

And with the second…finding out that this person is less than completely admirable has really hit me harder than I would have expected. I liked this person an awful lot given that all I had to go on is their writing, and now that I’ve found out some more about who they really are I find I’m reevaluating the writing.

Never find out about people. It’s not worth it. Better to keep the illusions.

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Ooo. I hear quiet emanating from the other rooms. Time to put Simon back in his crib and put me in my bed. I’ll try to do more tomorrow.

We’ve just gotten back from our annual Christmas pilgrimage to the wilds of Northern California. We had planned to be back by 5; we didn’t get on the road until 1, which meant we couldn’t get back until 6:30 at the earliest; and due to circumstances such as a 10 mile backup on Highway 5 (“Say…isn’t this supposed to be the fast way?”) and Simon screaming at the top of his lungs (which required a long comforting session in the parking lot of a Carl’s Jr. that had the filthiest bathroom I’ve ever had the, uh, pleasure of using), we didn’t get back until 9.

And due to extended car napping, no one of the child persuasion wants to go to sleep, and it’s 10. People of the parent persuasion desperately want to go to sleep.

Because I’m so fuzzy-brained at the moment, all the posts I want to make–such as introducing you to Simon or telling you what’s going on with Darin or what not–will just have to wait one more day.

(The 999 Miles, by the way, refers to the trip odometer. Just as we pulled into the garage it ticked from 999.9 to 0.0, which we thought was mightily cool. And Darin added, “Or, There And Back Again,” just because he has Tolkien on the brain.)

Check out, say, Question 9. It’s about Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears and an aspect of their relationship I didn’t need to know about. Learning the term “bumjob” was interesting though.

Or Question 10. You can say that in the papers? (Over here you can say “fuck” in Vanity Fair, but not in the “family” newspapers.

The Guardian quiz is difficult but a great deal more fun than the King William’s General Knowledge Paper, which is also an end of the year tradition. The KWGKP is just difficult.

Another quiz you might enjoy is Jon Carroll’s Christmas quiz. The answers can be found in the next day’s column, so you won’t go crazy looking for them.