And I was reminded of the whole “nuts and sluts” defense (although to be fair, this poster left out any suggestion that I was running around having affairs while taking a break from my golddigging, which is a bit surprising when you think about it because clearly I had the time, since the kids are so rarely with me….). When you try to tear down a woman you call her: selfish, spoiled/ungrateful, crazy, golddigging, bad mother, slut, whore, fat, ugly. Because these are the worst things a woman can possibly be (which means she’s supposed to be: selfless, sacrificing, chaste, thin, beautiful, pleasing, and of course ‘sane’, which I suspect often translates to ‘not causing any trouble or inconvenience’, and unspoiled/grateful, ie: ‘lacking any bothersome sense of entitlement’). What is the equivalent for a man? Is there one?

There are no equivalent terms for men. Calling a man a “bastard” or “asshole” is not the same thing as calling a woman a “bitch” or a “whore”—you know the old line: “Men are assertive, women are aggressive bitches.”

(My favorite definition of “whore” or “slut” is “Someone who’s had sex with one more person than I have.” It makes me giggle every time I hear someone use one of those words. Which is good, because it keeps me from slapping them across the face.)

In direct reflection of assertive/bitch: Where a woman is “pleasing” or “friendly,” a man is probably just a “pansy.” Or an even worse p-word (which is, of course, in and of itself a derogatory word meaning woman)? Does anyone really think calling someone a “dick” is the same thing as calling them a “pussy” or a “cunt”? And are those insults have the same impact on men and women alike, or are they considered a greater insult to one sex over the other?

There is no plot to The Devil Wears Prada if the protagonist’s boss is a male instead of a female. The entire plot of the movie is: The female boss doesn’t try to make friends with her underling; instead, she treats her underling…like an underling! And expects the underling to do her fucking job without needing a pat on the head! SHOCK! Was it even possible to relate to Anne Hathaway’s character’s sense of entitlement and resentment? Grow the fuck up, honey, and do it NOW.

One of the knocks on Sandra Bullock’s character in The Proposal is that she doesn’t say “Hi” to the secretary as she goes into the Big Boss’s office. Wouldn’t it be considered weird if Important Executive Christian Bale stopped to say “Hi” to the secretary simply to be friendly (instead of, say, to get her phone number for a quickie or to insinuate himself for some corporate espionage later)? He’d be considered completely unserious management material if he stopped to say “Hi” to every goddamn secretary he ran across.

(Don’t even get me started on how The Proposal decides to humanize Sandra Bullock by having her confess that after a fellow executive insulted her, she fired him…and then went into the bathroom to cry, because her widdle feelings got hurt!)

I know there have been female attempts to reclaim the word “bitch”, but I think they’re not as successful as the gay community’s reclamation of “queer,” sadly. “Bitch” is still just pejorative.

It all comes down to: She’s not being nice. Let’s put her in her place.

You know what? Not everyone likes you. They’re going to call you “bitch” and “ballbuster” and “whore” and whatever else behind your back anyhow. Fuck ‘em. But don’t use any of those words in response.

Ten years ago, during the whole Monica Lewinsky nonsense, I received mail from my high school addressed to “Miss Diane Patterson.” My exclusive all-girls Catholic high school, which had always drilled into me the importance of relying on myself, which assumed I was going to college and not going off to get married immediately, which had always placed the emphasis on seeing me as the most important person in my life…was referring to me as “Miss.”

I wrote a letter to the school’s principal, who had also been one of my teachers while I was there, and said, “Could you add a form of address to your database that doesn’t rely on my relationship to a man?”

I am happy to report every mailing I’ve gotten since has been to “Ms. Diane Patterson,” if not just “Diane Patterson.”

There is no excuse for using the term “Miss” for a woman over 18. I’m sorry, there just isn’t. My marital status is none of your damn business; if you need to know, you can ask. It’s not more polite, it’s not better etiquette, it’s just a way of filing a woman into the “available” category.

A year ago I was lying around the pool at Club Swanky, envying the mothers walking by who were wearing bikinis, whereas I felt like a big fat slug. The terms “MILF” and “trophy wives” came to mind, and I immediately found myself asking:

“Who’s the ‘I’ in that term”

and

“Whose trophy, precisely?”

Then there’s my new favorite term: “cougar.” Which leads us to the question: “Too old for sex with WHOM?”

These are all words describing a woman solely in terms of her relationship to a man—and simply a sexual relationship at that. Who does she belong to? Whose life is she improving simply by existing? Who is she too old for? There’s nothing about her qualities, what makes her an individual, anything about her experiences or hopes and dreams… Nope, it’s all about who she’s servicing sexually.

If you use them, please stop. You’re just promoting the idea that women are nothing more than plastic play dolls, serving the same purpose and as interchangeable.

Man, you’d think something had happened to me recently to bring this rant on. Actually, things are really great—stressful, with the upcoming move and all, but overall fine.